i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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