turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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