My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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