I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
