Pants 0. Shit 1.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
me + whiskey = a bad person
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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