She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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