I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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