I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Farmville is her only friend.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
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