I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I woke up under a house in Key West
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
