Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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