Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
