There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
So much rum. So many feels.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
