Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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