that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
