I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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