I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
