I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
