I hope mine doesn't look like that
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
