Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
