I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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