I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
