He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
