here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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