I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
