i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
