4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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