Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
