you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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