I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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