She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
