OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
