She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
