why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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