guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
