her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
