Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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