i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
