My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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