Swine flu is the new snow day.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
