watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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