3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
