I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I forget how to act sober
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
