Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
