I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
