Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
