I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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