Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
