i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
