He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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