How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
