YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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