you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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