I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So much Jack, so little girl.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
