I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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