She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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