dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
