I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Still dying that you shit outside
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
