i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
