I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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