Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
no you cant smoke seaweed
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
