dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
