I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
