watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
