Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
