broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize