I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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