I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
