The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
