I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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