I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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